Pinktober is here..... Breast Cancer Awareness month! Now to see how many pink heart emails I receive , or lets share a status to say we're raising awareness..... why not just actually educate yourself and others with the signs and symptoms. Rant over!
Two weekends ago I carried on the running bug and ran Disney Half..... most amazing run!! I love Disney, and Minnie Mouse!! And forever will. Next year all three races, 5k,10k & half all together!! So excited already! So as pinktober returns for another year, my two year anniversary of diagnosis looms, and it is going to be one hell of a long month waiting for scans, tests and results. The feelings are indescribable, heart sinking, and I've not even had the scans and tests yet. But the smile goes back and we shall ignore them until later on in the month. Focus comes to planning a night out to get a little merry on the day!! This month also sees the return of my injections.... the ghastly huge mighty giant bore hole needles that go straight into my chemo belly! And today, I can honestly say, I haven't missed that feeling!! I'm up st Mary's next week, and then I'm up there for my canullas and Bone treatments the following week, along with my scans and tests. More needles to look forward too!! The thing that's got to me this time with my injection today, is; this is the drug that's forced me into medical menopause, robbing me of my natural chances to have a family, robbing me of another part of my femininity, and just an all round bullshit drug. Struggled the last few weeks with several gym babies and friends' babies being born over the last couple of months. I started off happy to cuddle bubbas, then I just couldn't, couldn't bring myself to want something so bad. It's difficult to explain to people not in the same shoes. Don't get me wrong I'm super super excited for all of them, they're awesome people and fully deserve everything. Just a tad jealous, guilty, shitty feeling that I'm not gonna experience that. I may currently have a belly which resembles a pregnancy bump, but it sure as hell just steroid bloat and injection swelling, and not a baby!! Plus obviously you need a man for one of them!! But no I'm all seriousness, it's heartbreaking, sitting discussing babies, labour, pregnancy, knowing it's not going to happen. Very slim chance IVF may work in a few years time, but my body has failed me completely. Another shit part of the last two years. Thanks Cancer. So today my stomach area has officially swollen to the point my 'fat day' jeans aren't even doing up. Hopefully it'll go down within a few days, and then the fun hot flushes become even more apparent!! Got to love the menopause!! Yet of course..... I look fine, so obviously I'm fine!!! People grrrrr!! Right so pinktober..... get knowing the signs and symptoms..... boys and girls!! Any age! I was 26.... yes young but still was an aggressive stage three cancer. No risk factors, no family history, nothing. Just a massive hormone imbalance. Look at what you eat, look at what you use like deodorants etc, and look at the drugs you're given like the contraceptive pill..... high risks, totally not worth it!! And I personally never want to see anyone I care about go through the last two years I have. And the future years I'm yet to 'look forward too'! So please get to know your bits!!! Xxx
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So it's been a good few months since I've written any blogs, life took over, work took over and I finally wanted to forget the last two years even began. However, a lot has gone on in the last few months, so a quick catch up!
London marathon..... by far the most painful experience mentally, emotionally and physically that I have ever and hopefully will ever do. It was horrific.... and pretty dam awesome at the same time! Massively slow, but who fudging cares!!!! I got the bling and the sense of pride crossing that line for myself, Alex, Jules and all my other friends who've fought this bastard. There were tears, happy tears, sad tears, wtf am I doing tears.... but with the incredible support of everyone who came up and supported me on the day I made it to the end. Let's be honest I'm that stubborn that I was going to do it somehow!! Vouched never to do it again..... 30mins later I'm signed up....... ooops!!! So I've carried on running, doing various 5kms, 10kms and 25kms/half marathons! Another horribly painful exhausting on was the Duval 25k out in Belgium..... 33 degrees heat.... need I say any more!! I did the Race for Life 10 and the Pretty Muddy too.... then my toes decided to continue giving me jip, so I opted for the surgical route. Another thing people don't see is through chemo, your nails get affected by uv light so you end up having to wear dark nail varnish in order to try and save your nails from coming off, this never worked for both my big toes, so unfortunately had to have surgery at the start of august to remove part of the nail and slice open the side of the toe.... gross I hear you think, and gross it was!! Toe needles are simply the worst imaginable needles!! Base of your toe to the end of your toe! I returned to work in flip flops for a couple of weeks before I returned in trainers..... only a few weeks early this time!! But touch wood so far they're looking far better! Sadly another beautiful individual lost her fight this summer. Charlotte was an incredible girl took everything in her stride, always smiling, and looked beautiful on her wedding day at the hospice despite her feeding tube and chemo line in situ. Her funeral the tears did not stop flowing.its hard to explain what it feels like when you lose someone who's been through similar to what you have. You start questioning why, why me, why them, why, and when is it going to happen to me. Morbid but true. And painful. Yet again I let someone knock my walls down just to end up hurt again and putting higher walks back up! But I will eventually learn..... crazy cat ladies are cool!!! But for now it's just a question of putting a smile on my face & continuing with work and making a life without many of the friends from pre cancer times, and making the most of those who've stood by me throughout everything, ignoring all the mental demons. I took part as a Survivor in the Relay for Life, that's one t shirt I never thought I'd need to wear! Emotional. That's all I can say. Walking the route with a candle lit vigil in the middle, looking up at the stars remembering everyone who's touched my heart. Yet more tears, and more emotions sneaked out. One day there will be a cure and one day no one will die of cancer. I hope. Xxx So the London marathon is only a few days away now! Eeeeekkk excitement! Nervous but excited!! Can't wait to hear the crowds and feel the pride of going over the finish line! Last January I went over the finish line to 10k as a baldie cancer fighter, Sunday I'll cross the line as a curly haired cancer warrior.
The build up in training hasn't really happened, unfortunately I've not been able to get out for a run due the bone pain ive been suffering with. Just jogging on the spot for a warm up in one of my classes was bring tears to my eyes! Although I am finally feeling a bit easier in my knees at least! More bad news came with my big toe nails! I hate feet and this totally grosses me out too! Losing both nails after chemo, they've been struggling to regrow for a year now! Finally reaching about three quarters the way up! So slow due to keratin levels being depleted during chemo and the hypocalcemia! Eventually as with most growing nails they became ingrown and the words of the doc ''let them get battered at the weekend, then well surgically remove them after'', all so they can regrow properly again! Just something more to look forward to!! So along with bone pain, toe nails, and constant visits to the chemo suite, phlebotomy and the hospital, the mood swings and hot flushes have become indescribable! Medically endured menopause is not fun!! Hulk tori one minute, crying like an emotional wreck the next, then comes the happy as Larry Tori..... I genuinely feel sorry for my family at the minute!! Then the hot flushes, every twenty minutes or so, feels like I'm burning from the inside out! Cancer, the gift that keeps on giving!! I have been assured that both of these should ease up.... how long is the mystery question though!! So, Sunday is nigh, the trainers, vest and jelly babies are all packed, and I'm like a child at Christmas, just itching to be on the start line! And I know come Sunday I'll be bricking it instead!! Doing it in aid of Wessex Cancer who've been an awesome support to me during treatment. So if any of you kind folk do fancy donating a few pennies please visit this link http://bit.ly/2k2FGA4 !! Thank you!! I'll bring updates next week when I'll be struggling to walk!! Off up the hospital now for my Goserelin injection.... yes this is the one with the mighty huge ginormous bore hole needle..... hulk tori is coming!!! Xxx So I've not posted recently and in all honesty it's because I've been struggling mentally.
After losing Jules in February, Alex my fertility buddy sadly also lost her fight with ALL, a rare form of leukaemia, three weeks later. This girl was incredible, she never once moaned, she never gave up, and she had the most beautiful smile that lit up rooms. We started on the whole cancer journey together within days of each other, we were told on Friday 13th about our ovary ops being the first two in the country to be done, and we supported one another right from the off. Countless nights spent up high on steroids, talking cravings, treatments and hair status!! She wrote the most beautiful but accurate poem about her journey, and if you take anything from any of my blogs, remember her last line.... all we have is this moment be grateful for that! Cancer is shit. That's the only way I can describe it nowadays. I'm lucky I'm alive. Having the saying 'things come in threes' echoing in my head these last few weeks hasn't helped my mental state. I've been extra paranoid of every ache or pain. It's come back. It's going to finish me to. Realistically I know at the minute it hasn't, and I'm on four different drug regimes just to try and prevent it. But jeeze it doesn't half screw you up mentally. Waking up every morning, having to remind yourself that you're on the right path. Going to bed every night and being scared to close your eyes in case you don't open them again. Yea, mega messed up. So in the last few weeks I continued the running, with three half marathons in three weeks back in march. All completed successfully and with varying amounts of morphine! Alex & Jules will be forever etched in my head, they weren't able to live their life and follow their dreams, so I'm sodding going to do crazy shit for them. I've also started a new drug regime called Zoladronic Acid, to primarily treat my hypocalcemia, mega low calcium levels causing osteopenia leading to osteoporosis. But it's also just been passed to us as a preventative drug in reoccurrence etc. So again, a bit guinea pig style going on! This given as an IV infusion so yet another trip back to chemo suite every four weeks, more canulas, and none of my injections match up with the other visits. This causes side effects, ''nothing to worry about'' they said...... yea...... yet again I've ended up on a combo of morphine, paracetamol and a relaxant at the end of the cycle, every three weeks, due to struggling to walk! The bone pain was incredibly awful especially in my knees hips and lower back for about a week each time. The drug helps to take calcium out of the blood and the bone so constantly regenerating new bone. So preventative it helps to stop calcium being deposited on structures around the body causing secondary met sites. Friendship wise I still clearly have the Cancer tag attached. Obviously it's contagious and no one should come anywhere near me!! Some people have been awesome granted, others have even crossed roads to avoid conversation! Hey theyre the ones who'll be missing out on the awesomeness of .... me 😁 but no, it hurts even now 18months on, I've lost my two so called best mates.... one I've received two texts from since diagnosis day, and the other tried for the first month or so then has cut contact and most recently crossed the road after spotting me!! Madness. Anyway enough about the madness, I'm not going to dwell on the mental status, we all know i always have a smile on, and that's not going to change! Far worse things in life than the last 18months I've had. Yes I'm messed up at the minute but I'll get back, just takes time, reassurance and some awesome people in my life! Xxx Take Me Back
Take me back to a time when this wasn’t true, When worries were small and I was small too, Take me back to a time when I didn’t see this coming, Fit, healthy and strong and in love with running, Take me back to my life before I was sick, When it was all so simple and the future my pick, Take me back to last summer when happiness won, When friends said I do, and I too wished for the one, If I’m wishing for things let’s fast forward in time, When I hope to be better and toasting with wine, We can wish for the world and it never come true, Where we shout, cry, and end up feeling so blue, In this instance we should always remember this fact, All you have is this moment, be grateful for that. Alex Milligan 2016 So Saturday was a shitty day, realising the realities of cancer. After a good cry Saturday night, waking up Sunday to face a 10km cancer research run was the last thing I wanted to do.
However, bailing from this run wasn't an option. I did it two years ago with hair, I did it last year with no hair, so i was sodding going to complete it with my curls this year! Ant again came up with me to make sure I was sensible..... haha! So I completed it, and I felt awesome after it too!! Completely different to last year when I had to dope myself up on stacks of Morphine before during and after! I still relied on a lot of painkillers, but no where near as hard as it was last year! The pain I did feel was in my hip sockets, another area they're looking deeper at through MRI's next week, as Osteonecrosis can be caused through steroid use. This a lack of blood flow to the bone, causing the bone to die basically! There's two outcomes if it is what's causing my pain, either drilling holes into the head of my femur to allow channels for blood flow, or total hip replacement. I'm hoping for neither!! So yea, I completed the run, felt great after (minus the hip pain causing me to walk like a 100yr old arthritic lady who's been stuck on a horse for like a week!) and entered more runs 😂 two half marathons in march, leading into the marathon at the end of April! I've still got the stubborn side to me 😝 Side effects to the hormone treatments are still taking their toll.... having a hot flush during a spin class I can honestly say is not the most ideal timing in the world!! And sleep patterns where do I start?! Insomnia most nights, Maximum about 2.5hrs kip every night at the minute! And then some days where I can't even stay awake in the car! Finally things seem to be coming together! I'm back running shit loads of classes (not sure my body completely agrees that's a good thing!), and I've got someone who doesn't give a dam about the effects the cancer has had on me already or may have in the future. Something I never thought would happen! A scarred, battered, emotionally & psychologically ruined girl with countless medical issues to now contend with, probable child-less future, can actually be happy! Plus .... I feel like it's Christmas every time I get my prescription.... what goodies shall I take today 😂 hey at least I'm still making the most of my exemption cert!! So this week, I'm back to have my Herceptin today, the stinging bitch of a mo-fo 😭 then the bone strengthening will start as of next week (I think!) XXX So today marked World Cancer Day.... a day that'll always be precious to me, not only a day to unite and fight cancer together but also a day where a close friend of mine sadly has lost his fight.
Julian was fighting a rare type of cancer Ewing’s Sarcoma, for the past two years. Unfortunately an incurable type of bone cancer. We met at a meet up organised by Trekstock, a young persons cancer charity, last year, and hit it off straight away. We spent many a night messaging (whilst steroid insomnia kicked in!) about all sorts, mainly banter about rugby and his shit team choice, about treatment, about relationships, literally all sorts! Over the year I've had the honour of knowing this inspirational guy, he became a really good friend, someone who just understood, didn't ask stupid questions, didn't just talk Cancer the entire time, and we could openly laugh at/with one another regard side effects, long term effects etc without a care! His blog www.fightback2fitness.com is well worth a read. Honest, factual and inspirational. His cancer had spread from the bones to the liver and lungs, and overall it was a very bleak outlook. Looking and talking to Jules, you would never have guessed. Constantly positive, constantly seeing the best in life. Even though he knew his days were numbered. How?! He was just an incredible human being, and one of the kindest most caring people I've met. Jules started a drugs trial before Christmas with the hope it would prolong his life, sadly it wasn't to be. Following two weeks in a hospice, sadly he lost his fight today, world cancer day and the start to the six nations (More his style!) of all days. It's days like today, where suddenly every panic feeling, worry and dread come streaming back, and every glimmer of hope for a fear-free future completely fade. Cancer is simply, shit. Rest In Peace Jules, a total inspiration xxx These needles don't get any sodding easier!!! Still got another 7 Herceptin to go.... so another 21 weeks of the bastards!!
Oncology appointment this week was a bit of a downer :( because I'm in quite a bit of constant bone pain im being sent for more imaging and a bone scan, to double check for bone secondaries. Plus where it showed up before Christmas that my L3/4 vertebrae are osteoporotic & very thinned, they're starting me on a bone strengthening programme, back to drips every three weeks again, alongside the two injections. Just as I start feeling more normal getting back to being me again, boom my best mates Drip & curveball are back 😔. Plus my Vitamin D levels are at rock bottom. So I'm on daily calcium and vit D, still taking the heart meds, anticoags, and hormone tablets..... im beginning to rattle again!! All I can describe the calcium supplements like are chewing chalk!! Delightful!! I have to have a full dental exam before I can start the drip bone strengthener to make sure any dental work has been done and healed now, as there's a high chance of my jaw disintegrating once I'm on treatment and then have to have work done! Thanks onc for that lovely bit of info!! Although she did also prescribe a holiday too... my body needs vit d & sunshine!! My hands and shoulders are randomly bruising up, and across my chest my veins have become super superficial, looking like a spiders web! Another issue they're having to check up and keep an eye on! My neck veins are still cording and superficial clotting, all good fun eh! And someone told me Cancer was easy..... 😂 Plus some actual good news, I've lost 11.5kg in weight since oct/Nov time..... this girl is coming back!! 💪💪 still not feeling anything like what I used to mind, but least the weight dropping is something! And I can also get my curls into a tiny tiny ponytail!! Small things 😂 So another week until I'm back for my Herceptin injection..... the grind continues! And then the Cancer Research London 10km at the weekend! Xxx So another few weeks have passed since my last blog post. Fitness Nationals, Christmas, New Year & birthday have all flown by!
First stop was Leicester and the National Finals to the Fitness Awards! I was super excited about these, and then the germs hit.... I went down with a horrible chest infection just before I headed up north, and to be honest, I felt rough as hell the entire night!! The conference was good, but unfortunately showed up my massive lacking of confidence nowadays. And the night out was awesome, couldn't have asked to spend it with a better bunch, drinking left over red wine we nabbed from the dinner at 4am in the hotel, pretty much sums it up! Plus none of us will ever forget the golden horse.... now a permanent Christmas decoration at the gym! Carried on my injections over the Christmas break, and trust me they don't get any easier!! They still hurt like biatches!! The festive period was a very homely affair, with us appreciating the fact all four of us are still round the dinner table this year. However cliche that sounds, true fact, three of us could have died in the last 365 days! So very appreciative of the fact we're all still here! Very quiet day, completely 100% different to last years.... where I was hugging a bucket the entire day wanting to dig a deep hole and not resurface. Fell asleep at 5... woke Boxing Day, I can only assume I was a tad tired! Seeing as I did the exact same on Boxing Day too!! New year came and went, finally no medical issues on the eves, to content with! And finally we reached my 28th.... another day I was dreading! Having spent two days in over it last year, it was amazing to not be up there for it, and be in work running spin instead! Plus the mother made me 28 cupcakes.... Need I say more, I enjoyed my birthday!! Birthday night out on the other hand... yet again I feel let down by so called mates. I don't know why I even get my expectations up anymore! Happens every year, and even more so over the last 18months! But hey ho, it was nice catching up with my two friends who did make the effort! And that's one of life's biggest things I've learnt this year.... who my true friends are!! Roll on 2017.... healthy and happy 🙏🏻 xxx Not exactly the build up to awards night I was hoping for! Again!!
So I've decided this week to have a full blown panic attack just for shits and giggles. No idea what kicked it off but in all seriousness I genuinely thought I was on the way out of here. Second scariest moment (behind the excruciating pain last year!). Then today, my Zoladex jab day, the mahoosive needle one, the same happened again, so I found myself in St Mary's all day again getting sorted out. Having been treated lovely by Tash up on the chemo ward, the tears started, the injection hurt like a bitch and I could easily have punched her :( , and by the end of the ordeal today, they were all pretty much in tears too. There comes a time, when you're just physically wrecked, mentally smashed and emotionally drained. The attacks are being caused by my heart not functioning how it should be still, and my body being tricked into thinking there's something more serious going on, and there's basically nothing I can do. The hormone tablets im on, Letrozole, cause flu like pains, so add them to a flu bug too.... and I'm pretty buggered to say the least this week. Everything and I mean everything hurts, even my cheek bones!! Morphine has become my best bud again, and I aim to survive Friday/Saturday without it so I can have a few drinks to celebrate being there! Not quite sure how yet, but we shall see!! It's been exactly a year ago since I started my chemo drugs this week, and I swear my body is just trying to rebel after the first reaction I had! Who ever said it gets easier once chemo is finished..... is truly truly wrong and disturbed in the head. All the way along the line my body hasn't reacted how it should have done, like other people's have. The one time I wish I was the same as everyone else. March and the Venus finals seem a long time ago at the minute! Where I was A & E/hospital bound that week too!! I've been asked to take part in a research project, '100,000 Genomes'. Basically they're trying to see each and every single genome in my body, to see if there's any that have a common link for cancer tendency. A bit like the original genetic test I had, however at the time they only knew of BRCA1 & BRCA2, but now with them looking at all my genomes, it could for example come up with high risk ovarian cancer gene, or that I'm a carrier for other life conditions. It's a hard decision to make, do I want to know or don't I? Personally I want to consent, I want to know if I'm likely to develop some other condition and potentially be treated for it before it happens. I can understand people not wanting to know tho. So all in all a pretty shitty week!! A long week at work where I'm unable to take time off and my body feeling wrecked the entire time. Roll on Friday awards night! Xxx |
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February 2017
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