So the last two or three weeks have been a complete emotional rollercoaster to say the least!! And boom tomorrow is chemo day again :(
It started with the week after chemo with my ECG heart tests with Dr Maybe, as ive been having heart palpitations more and more lately. The outcome was i maybe have heart damage I maybe don't.... Jokes aside, the results get sent on to another cardiologist now and I await to hear the next step. It's not the best news in the world to find you may have heart damage as well, after only a few months ago being a fit person! I ended up staying in hospital after the test with fluid having appeared on my chest and the start of pneumonia. More drips, needles and drug time! Cannot praise the docs and nurses enough, they had swine flu and a d&v bug going around so they certainly didn't want a neutropenic patient there too, so I was kept well away from everyone, first off waiting in an empty room then the relatives room then a cubicle round the corner from everyone! No better way to feel even more special eh. After the mother and grandmother also going down with chest infections at the same time we certainly were a germy household! And then two days later came Finals Night!! A night I'll truly never forget! After believing I could never win such an award and I was there for the food, a standing ovation later, a garbled speech about doughnuts later, and I was awarded Entrepreneur of the Year award!! Truly 100% gobsmacked to say the least!! And proud to say I did it in a headscarf with my chemo scars on show and I still felt a million dollars (thanks to my lovely friend who did my makeup!). It took a heck of a lot to go to that evening let alone go up on stage in front of everyone and I cannot thank her enough for making me feel as normal as could for one night. People don't realise how utter shit you feel on chemo.... Im bald, eyebrow less, eyelash less, fester looking, rock hard black stomach from the injections, bruised and junkie looking arms, constant sickness, added weight, completely no energy what so ever, spontaneous nosebleeds, dizziness, migraines, the shakes, the hot sweats, let alone the constant fatigue, excruciating bone pain, wanting to find a bridge and a heavy rock on a daily basis, and the fear of facing death in its eyes day in day out.... So when 'friends' crack inappropriate insensitive jokes, it just makes life even harder at the minute. And yet I haven't moaned the majority of this shit, it's tough, bloody tough. So after a fabulous night at the Yacht haven with some awesome friends who've stuck by me through everything, it was onto my better week (finally!) and I headed back into work woohoo! And then Saturday night, and a planned night out once in a blue moon! And ive never felt so isolated in my life! It's weird the reactions you get, im used to the sympathetic looks and im used to kids staring, however im not used to people moving seats/moving away/not knowing what to say so sit in an awkward silence.... It's as if im contagious!! And reality hit, sat in a pub, just wanting to go home and ball my eyes out. It's a strange feeling completely. And one that im not used to feeling quite so vulnerable. Im meant to be strong! Had a little pep talk by a few great friends and I'll get there. Managed to finally do a fitness class in my own gym for the first time in 9 months! It killed me to say the least, chuffed as nuts I completed and did it however reality hit for the second time in a week, and it suddenly made me realise how much ive lost and how ive got to go to get anywhere near back to normality. However I will. Stupidity hit, and ive another 10 km and an obstacle race coming up to try and keep me sane and away from the vulnerable feelings. Chemo day tomoro, as much as Id like to get excited it's my last one, I just cant at the minute. Ive got a massive road ahead of me and emotional, physically and mentally im done atm, and as I say vulnerability/reality has really sunk in lately and dawned on me what the future does/could have in store. As much as im still going to smile, be strong and kick this shit away, normality is a very very faint glimmer a long long long way away across a field with stacks upon stacks of obstacles in the pathway. Never ending. I just wish people would learn there's more to life than pointless dramas and pettiness. Life. Laugh. Love. ️ P.S im not contagious..... Im just a bald version of me :) Xxx
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![]() So a good week has finally been had, feeling better finally and boom Wednesday comes along and we're back to square one! Oncology and bloods this morning up at the hospital, and thousands of questions thrown into the equation after a brief meeting with Mr Parker the surgeon too today! Last but one chemo tomorrow and onto the downward slope of feeling like a mighty huge train has gone through me with added carriages each time! The extent of surgery has been thrown into question, with Mr Parker suggesting two different routes to go down after chemo now. Either lumpectomy so tissue sparing surgery or a mastectomy for total tissue removal. Both have pros and cons and the only way I can go at the minute is to write everything down and ask as many questions in the next few weeks as possible! So many it's buts and whys! However surgery has been bought forward couple weeks so I get onto radiotherapy earlier, and is now set for 25th April.... Is it too soon too panic yet?!? Massive mind jungle going on at the minute!! And I feel the only way to solve it is some much needed Alcohol and a game of flip a coin! My heart has also been damaged by the Herceptin im on, hopefully nothing too major but having a full Echocardiogram to see the extent in the next week or so to see if more drugs to counteract it are going to be my next concoction of rattles! Potassium is still low so cherryade flavoured syrup, sweet potatoes and bananas, plus infusions for a little bit longer too. Onto lighter notes as I hate to moan and be miserable however crap and down I may be feeling! Had a laugh last week sorting out Ant's bow tie for finals night... A nice bright pink number! Apparently it's not acceptable as headwear, who would have thought! Although it was a tad small to fit properly on the egg! Also found a bright pink fascinator... Mother got embarrassed in M & S the other day when I whipped of my scarf for a piccie with one on! Let alone the fun an egg can have with Haribo eggs!! Been fairly relaxed with the egghead this last week, taking quite a bit to go public but there's nothing wrong with bald guys so why do girls get looked at weirdly!! And trust me you get weird looks in a headscarf let lone bald ranger! My Knitted Knockers arrived today!! Never would I have thought I'd ever open a parcel with fake boobs in, but that day came today!! A set for everyday way and a set for water activities! It's an awesome group of ladies who knit/crotchet them for people having to have lumpectomy or mastectomy! So I currently have my hair in a plait in a drawer, my future family in a Cryopreservation freezer in Southampton hospital, and my cleavage made out of wool!! So far this is a really random journey to be on!! Still having issues with long term friends being distant/arseholic/couldn't give a toss attitude! But hey if you can't handle this egg then you sure as hell don't deserve belle when she back on top form! Been back to ice hockey this last weekend and realised how much ive missed not just the sport but the friends and good times had along route too. So hopefully find a team for next season! Onto tomorrow.... Last but one chemo round tomorrow for this section of treatment (hopefully!) ! And a party will be in order come the last one! Looking forward to Finals night next Friday, Belle Baldy will go to the ball! But for now bring on tomorrow and ticking one more off the list! ️Xxx |
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February 2017
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