So today marked my one year from my original scan... and it ended in tears & an argument about NHS protocol!
The occasion was marked by my annual scans.... or so I thought this morning! Where my gran ended up Ambulanced over last weekend and currently residing in the stroke unit, my entire week has been spent at the hospital anyway and today was no different. I went to visit her before I had my scans, to find her surrounded my doctors having chest pains (again! Something we're used to with her, after all 5 heart attacks later!) So the day didn't get off to the best start! Down to the screening unit I went, leg shaking, nerves kicking in. What if it's back? What if I've gotta go through this year again? What if I have to see the look on my mums face again when I tell her? To put it plainly I've been shitting it about these scans since the appointment came through. Out comes the radiographer and asks to take me to the side room first. Heart sinking. They already know its back. But no, here's where the NHS protocol bollocks comes into being..... I was two weeks too early for the scan as due to radiology laws there has to be six months between them. Angry face number 1 appeared. Not only had I wasted an entire afternoon waiting and making sure work was covered. But what absolute bollocks she was telling me got me upset. They haven't cared I've had chest X-rays every three weeks for 7months, plus spine and pelvic X-rays and MRI's on top.... so why bother with two weeks! They don't understand that you build up to appointments like this, and when things don't go to plan, emotions run riot. And to be greeted by an over bearing nhs protocol is absolute shit. So a few tears and an argument later, the head radiologist cleared me for the scan agreeing two weeks wouldn't make any odds, seeing as they would scan me straight away if any lump appeared. Tears rolled, emotions were high, and the scan wasn't exactly comfortable! But now for the agonising three week wait to see if I am cancer free.... and anyone who knows me knows I'm not patient!! As the week has passed, the. Side effects have been getting worse, the bone pain is back where it feels im an 80 year arthritic person, the brain fog is horrific, and anxiety levels are at their all time low for me. So all in all I'm feeling a tad sorry for myself at the minute, and consoling myself by throwing myself into countless hours of work (which probably isn't helping the emotional side of me!!). However, I've done the last bloody year, I can do this, what ever that's going to be thrown at me! Just maybe with a hug and a few reassuring words along the way! One year on from my original scans.... and boy how much has changed in a year! Way too many things to list that have changed, some for the better, like true friends have become apparent, and some for the worse, like physically emotionally and mentally I'm ruined! But I've a night out planned to celebrate my cancerversary to look forward to (even if I shouldn't be drinking on the heart meds!!) so for now I will man up put a smile on and get on with it. But for now.... the horrible wait begins..... xxx
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So today's the day that I wave goodbye to another part of my female-ness & I become reliant on my freezer storage by receiving the first of my Goserelin injections....
Goserelin enforces the menopause, so although I'd come to terms with the fact that my fertility was pretty much certainly wiped out by the chemo, this makes it definite. And it's a pretty hard pill to accept. I hadn't really thought about it until last night, when emotionally drained, tired, and fed up, things started going through by pea of a brain. And all of a sudden bam, it's injection day again. So today I get my 9th Herceptin, and my Goserelin injections..... I bloody hope the latter don't sting as much as the first, else I genuinely feel sorry for the poor nurse having to give it. So I will then become completely reliant on the ovary slices currently sat in a freezer in Southampton for my future family hopefully. Those & IVF when it comes to it in a few years time. Which poses even further questions, drugs & issues.... but one way or another I will have kids!! This bastard disease can do one. It's hard to believe just a year ago I was about to start going through the various tests to see if I had cancer, confident, happy & not a care in the world, and now a year on, I'm infertile, scarred, have a free pass to a and e (😂😂), countless life saving drugs to take each day, and had my entire life tipped upside down! How a year can change someone eh. So in a year, I've had my femininity completely kiboshed. My boobs scarred, my fertility destroyed, & my hair taken..... I've never felt so totally useless as what I have done recently. It's hard to imagine someone who would actually be happy with this mess of a person anymore. However, there's no way of changing it, I'm still alive and hey crazy cat lady has a ring to it!! My brain is still completely fogged by chemo brain, and yes it's an actual medical condition, not just us post chemo guys making excuses!! The whole, you've gone into a room but you can't remember why you've gone in there, yea 100 times worse than that!! It happens all day, everyday, about all sorts of things!! Literally dreading going to the chemo suite today.... three injections.... im bad enough with one let alone two extras!! But roll on the bruises, the 'short sharp scratches', and the urge to punch the poor girl having to do it to me! Next phase of my life being enforced on me Xxx So another few weeks have passed and I've got less and less time to write posts now! Seeing as I'm working about 60 hr weeks at the minute!
I've since had another few echo's (they seem to like seeing me up on cardiology atm!) and another couple of jabs of herceptin, currently on number 8/18! Nearly half way I guess. A few more curveballs being thrown into the equation of my recovery and survival, apparently my body really is that awkward/stubborn/hard to fix! Where I'm a blood clotter, they've decided the Tamoxifen (endocrine tablets) that I was due to start to prevent the cancer returning is high risk for clots, so strangely enough they're not prepared to give it to me. Plus where I've been injecting daily for over a year now I need to come off the Clexane injections (finally my stomach won't be a hard bruised lump anymore!!). So they've put me onto tablet form anticoagulant Rivaroxban, a drug that if a dose is missed could cause a stroke so told! Another fun fact of the day.... And seeing how chemo brain has messed with my mental capacity to remember anything anymore I now have daily alarms just to make sure I take them!! So my blood issue is being monitored. Next step the endocrine preventive medication discussion.... Seeing as my fertility they're pretty sure isn't returning (seeing as it's not returned in 6 months) and the fact I can't take Tamoxifen, I'm going to be injected with other drugs called Goserelin, which forces menopause. A month after my first monthly injection of this I'll then start another daily hormone/endocrine tablet as well to suppress certain hormones. However with new drugs, comes new side effects, new risks, & new tests! I'm now waiting for a bone density X-ray on my pelvis, spine and hips, so they can monitor the effects of these drugs, as they cause osteoporosis. These scans will be regular throughout my treatment to ensure I don't need top up supplementation. It's also raised further questions regards my mineral counts! I've been getting severe leg cramps (those types of cramp you get in your hammy in the middle of the night when you think you're leg is being ripped in half, yes those daily!) and this is down to my potassium, magnesium and calcium levels being all over the place at the minute. However I was advised to eat and drink as much of certain items as possible to supplement these naturally.... This includes my return of the beloved sweet potatoes & tonic water!! And on questioning this one with Doc Marshall on Wednesday, she advised Gin will make it drinkable, so who am I to go against a docs advice eh! Gin & tonic Friday's a-coming! I've also had the pleasure of meeting the Trekstick guys & girls.... a great charity group for young cancer sufferers. It was lovely to meet up and just chat, about anything, and not be judged or looked at with 'those' eyes. A great group of guys and girls! So another month to go until it'll be a whole year since diagnosis day.... A day I plan on frikking celebrating like mad.... After all I didn't get to celebrate my birthday this year so it would just be catching up! If this year has taught me anything, don't waste a flipping second of it!!! Yes cliche but so bloody true, why spend anytime unhappy/worried/regretting.... Spend it living and loving those you want to! I may have just spent a weekend on the booze in Bournemouth with an awesome mate, apparently I'm not too past it for a 12hr bender!! But in all seriousness, this weekend has shown me some home truths & honesty from people which has blown me for six..... So enjoy every moment, don't regret wasting time if you're not happy & nows the time for me to be happy, regardless of what the future holds! Xxx |
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February 2017
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