Not exactly the build up to awards night I was hoping for! Again!!
So I've decided this week to have a full blown panic attack just for shits and giggles. No idea what kicked it off but in all seriousness I genuinely thought I was on the way out of here. Second scariest moment (behind the excruciating pain last year!). Then today, my Zoladex jab day, the mahoosive needle one, the same happened again, so I found myself in St Mary's all day again getting sorted out. Having been treated lovely by Tash up on the chemo ward, the tears started, the injection hurt like a bitch and I could easily have punched her :( , and by the end of the ordeal today, they were all pretty much in tears too. There comes a time, when you're just physically wrecked, mentally smashed and emotionally drained. The attacks are being caused by my heart not functioning how it should be still, and my body being tricked into thinking there's something more serious going on, and there's basically nothing I can do. The hormone tablets im on, Letrozole, cause flu like pains, so add them to a flu bug too.... and I'm pretty buggered to say the least this week. Everything and I mean everything hurts, even my cheek bones!! Morphine has become my best bud again, and I aim to survive Friday/Saturday without it so I can have a few drinks to celebrate being there! Not quite sure how yet, but we shall see!! It's been exactly a year ago since I started my chemo drugs this week, and I swear my body is just trying to rebel after the first reaction I had! Who ever said it gets easier once chemo is finished..... is truly truly wrong and disturbed in the head. All the way along the line my body hasn't reacted how it should have done, like other people's have. The one time I wish I was the same as everyone else. March and the Venus finals seem a long time ago at the minute! Where I was A & E/hospital bound that week too!! I've been asked to take part in a research project, '100,000 Genomes'. Basically they're trying to see each and every single genome in my body, to see if there's any that have a common link for cancer tendency. A bit like the original genetic test I had, however at the time they only knew of BRCA1 & BRCA2, but now with them looking at all my genomes, it could for example come up with high risk ovarian cancer gene, or that I'm a carrier for other life conditions. It's a hard decision to make, do I want to know or don't I? Personally I want to consent, I want to know if I'm likely to develop some other condition and potentially be treated for it before it happens. I can understand people not wanting to know tho. So all in all a pretty shitty week!! A long week at work where I'm unable to take time off and my body feeling wrecked the entire time. Roll on Friday awards night! Xxx
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So it's a year since my future family have been potentially frozen. A year since my first operation, my cryopreservation oomphectomy. And this has become even more important since my drug change a couple of months ago. I'm now relying on this frozen ovary completely to give me kids, something which is a hard pill to swallow. This year has completely robbed me of who I am. And it just keeps on robbing.
So I've had a few issues these last couple of weeks that I've kept to myself, the main issue involving more hospital visits for superficial blood clots, main ones being in one of my neck veins and top of my chest. Obviously this isn't ideal, but it's been picked up and my anticoags have been upped. Fingers crossed for no more clotting at some point in my life! My heart medication has been doubled, as my heart is still struggling to keep up. I've also had a lot of bone pain return, this again is a delightful side effect of the hormone drugs. Waking up in the morning in tears because I can't move without excruciating pain going through my hips and knees, is not the best feeling. So I'm relying on a cocktail of morphine and pain killers to keep me moving. I'm trying to assure my oncologist that exercise helps! Last week I had my DEXA scan which is a type of X-ray specifically to see the bone density and determine the level of bone thinning & osteoporosis, which can be caused by the chemo and the endocrine treatment I'm currently receiving. Good and bad news, my hip joints are ok, my lumbar spine is high risk fracture classification, meaning my bones are thin. So onto more supplementation and changes in diet to hold this at bay. Once I was a healthy 26 year old.... now Ive a body of a 60yr old, a heart that needs meds to function correctly, and blood that clots 'just because'! What a catch eh?!! Frustrating to say the least. This last year my life has been a total whirlwind, psychologically emotionally and physically. I've had to learn a new 'me' and in all honesty, I hate it. I hate everything about it. After all who would like to wake up to a scarred damaged and mentally ruined person as their everyday being. And the worst bit about it, there's bugger all I can do about it. I've finally been taking the headscarf off to head out for evenings etc, and this has been super hard. People don't understand when I say it's my comfort blanket, my disguise, my confidence. And when I take it off full time, people assume I'm 'back to normal', there is no normal anymore. Just a new normal that I completely and utterly hate. The fun easy going girl has disappeared behind needles, drugs, scars & worries, with people treating me differently, and the new no confidence, anxious girl is here. And there's no changing it. As much as people can say things to me, 99% of it isn't meant, and I know it. Your hair looks great, your smile is beaming, you're glowing.... it's amazing what a smile can hide! And yes you can read this as a negative post, maybe it is, maybe it's the entire year catching up with me emotionally. Maybe it's friends and loved ones I've lost along the road, been used by or being ditched by. Those guys carry on living their lives with no cares in the world as to how much they may have upset me. Maybe it's just me trying to make sense of these people, and making sense of this 'new me'. Right now all I know is I've tried my best to regain my confidence and each time it just gets slashed down. I just hope one day I can just be Me again. Fun loving, easy going me! People keep saying, im a strong person, im amazing. No I'm not, I'm me. The girl who wakes up everyday just wanting to go back a year in time. Wanting to be that 'me' again. Wanting my whole life in front of me again. Wanting to be happy. Hand on my heart I can honestly say, only people who've been in these shoes will truly understand this post and these feelings. It's hard enough to write down let lone make make sense of it. And yet, I go to work everyday, put a smile on my face and get on with it. I have to be positive. One day I will be me again. The endocrine drugs mess with the hormones, which in turn obviously mess with emotions, and I'm finding myself teary at the smallest of things at the minute! Either tears or short tempered!! Which of course the latter doesn't go down well with the family! Again another delightful side effect of all the drugs.... oh and I now get hot flushes..... the joys of enforced menopause. On a positive I've shred 10kg without trying too hard. Got another 12kg to go before I'll be back to a weight that I'm happier with. But hopefully with 8 spin classes a week now, hopefully it'll disappear quickly! Qualifying in Pump and starting my marathon training at the start of December too, so hopefully all is going to help with the weight, mentality and OP. But for now, the smile goes back on, the drugs continue to be taken and I continue on, hoping my future kids are safe on that ice!! Xxx |
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February 2017
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