So as 2016 is quickly approaching, I've been fairly reflective this week! What a year it's been!! So many reasons to be happy so many reasons to have chucked the towel in and walked/run away!
Highlight of the year.... Becoming a gym owner!! And learning where inner peace comes from!!! Anyone who followed me on that journey knows how many hurdles I had to get over to get the gym open! I thought come June when we opened that was it for hoops and hurdles but oh how wrong I was! Then the DVTs hit... And feeling very sorry for myself, being completely immobile and losing touch with the gym, again it was another hard four months where crutches became friends, injections became a daily occurrence and exercise was nowhere to be seen! Again I didn't think it could get much worse! And again I was proven wrong! This year, Ive had the incredible opportunity working with the Fiji boys at the RWC, then had the pleasure of working at the World Wheelchair Rugby Challenge, I've met some incredible people along the way who've become good friends and I've become a semi finalist for a business award! It's been a rollercoaster year of emotions!! I lost friends, I became single (apparently guys can't handle the Big C!), my confidence hit rock bottom (becoming bald isn't exactly a great look!) ..... But the Big C has taught me so much these last two months!! F*@# you Cancer, you stand no chance, Ive done the rest of this flipping year, there's no way you're gonna beat me down that easily! It's just another hurdle and there's so many things in 2016 to look forward to, Rio for instance!! So all in all as much as this year is finishing with the biggest hardest shittiest battle I've ever had to face, I'm sure as hell stronger now than I've ever been! And that can only be increased when I become a survivor next year, I hope!! WonderWoman didn't become strong from lifting weights, she became strong from being knocked down and getting back up again! So here I am standing tall still with the smile on my face, standing proud of everything I've achieved this year and everything to come in 2016! And I certainlycouldnt have done this year without my amazing family, friends and staff guys! You lot rock! As the famous quote says... You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.... Well 2015 has certainly proven that one!! And as one of my friends text me the other day.... A strong woman is one who smiles in the morning like she wasn't crying the night before.... There certainly have been tears along the way this year, but the smile is still going strong :) Here's to 2016 and becoming a survivor! ️Happy New Year guys and girls! Xxx
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So yesterday marked round 2 of chemo. After a change in chemo drugs, everything seemed to go a lot smoother! This time the canula went into the base of my thumb, and today I've woken up with a nicely swollen unusable thumb at the minute! Yesterday was also my first headscarf day out, the hair has officially gone! To start with I was nervous as hell, the looks I thought I'd get, I didnt!! So the headscarfs and hats will remain! On arrival at the chemo suit yesterday, I met an old friend who was also up there for treatment. She's been through Breast cancer, and is now on maintenance only treatment as the Cancer has spread. She's so upbeat despite everything she's had to take on board. And it'll be nice catching up with her again after all this time! Everything gets put into perspective when you meet such an incredibly brave inspirational lady. So onto treatment, I succeeded in getting 'my' seat again! Pot full of pills before hand, anti sickness and steroids, canula went in, and I was attached up. First off was the hydrocortisone, they're pulling out all the stops to make sure I don't react again! Then came the first of the drugs, the new one, Carboplatin. This was an odd sensation, my arm was warm but the vein it was going into was freezing cold all the way up my arm! Then came the second one, Docetaxel. Again this started absolutely fine, and then my veins decided to collapse in that arm, because the first drug was cold, the veins decided it was a no go, causing a lot of pain, as if Id shut my arm in a door, hard! So my arm got warmed up and they continued, although still painful the drug had to go in! Im definitely already known up there for my weirdness! And that was round 2 done and dusted! Thanks to Mumma bear and the best mate Sarah for coming and occupying me again!! Even if it did consist of the song Baby Face being stuck in my head allday.... Thanks Sarah!!! Appointments made for the next round..... 7-8 hours on my birthday, and 5 hours the next day! Who wants a birthday out of hospital anyways, apparently cake tastes better in there anyhow! The arm soreness is expected now for a few days, no doubt with some bruising to come, and the nausea is back in full swing, but if that's all I've got to put up with then I'm happy! So today is going to consist of a onesie sofa day, to make sure I'm fit enough for our gyms social this evening! Roll on the next round and birthday cake! So tonight marks the first proper emotional wobble! Been having really good days this week, being back in work, looking at training programmes and generally just being happy. Then tonight has hit. My life is changing, my body is going to change, and the way people view me has already changed. And no idea what even really set me off... But the tears started rolling this evening! I was talking to an old friend who's due to be deployed in the navy next month. And a message of his really touched me this evening.... just want to give you a hug and tell you I'm here for you no matter what..... Not huge, nothing extravagant, but meant. I haven't seen him for easily a year and a half, but the promise of a hug and a good laugh or cry when needed was just what I needed. Tonight has made me realise how little we value certain things in life. Yea I would love someone to treat me well and would love to be successful in all that I do etc etc. But seriously?! There's so many other things in life! And I don't care how cliche that sounds. Sometimes all you need is a hug (or the thought of one!!) So, it's time to put the smile back on my face, no more tears and kick ass again!! This has been a minor (probably much needed!) blip tonight! And in the morning normality will resume!! After a 2am munch on Muller corners obviously!! So for now, hugs are muchly needed/ wanted/ appreciated right now.... Whether you know me well or not... Everyone loves a good hug :) !! 'Be a strong cookie, no one likes a soggy biscuit' ️xxx First week down, two weeks to go until the next round begins over again! So after the last weekend of A and E visits, I have so far avoided the place this week! Ive also learnt morphine is the best happy drug going, the drunk feel without the alcohol is fairly decent for the Christmas season! This week I've been back to work, which feels incredible after the week/weekend just been. My legs are also feeling a lot lot better, not sure if it's the morphine or the different anticoagulants! So im also getting a little excited about getting back into some form of training too on my good weeks. 6 months plus of doing nothing physical has driven me insane! And slightly Miss Blobbyish! Tuesday I headed back to St Mary's for a wig fitting, it was just as horrific as before! And after cracking a joke about looking bald in the wig cap, the stone cold face reaction of the blonde wig fitting lady, kind of suggested to me she didn't have a sense of humour :/ So the mother puts her foot in it even further, whilst I'm trying on a wig which happened to be blonde, suggesting it could be for my days that I leave my brains at home.... Again I don't think the wig lady appreciated the joke!! Never mind! Ive received incredible support so far through the last month, lots of messages, cards etc. This week it was lovely to receive a massive box of chocolates from the Wightlink Raiders Ice Hockey Supporters Committee, not sure how they expect me to eat all four layers though!! Missing ice hockey badly this year, however keeping up with some of the players across the South, and hearing a couple of the clubs are going to be collecting money for Breast Cancer Care in support, is incredible! The awesome gym guys have organised a 24hr treadmill challenge. The treadmill will be run on for the entire 24 hours, 9am 13th feb- 9am 14th feb! All in aid of the amazing team Applegate Breast Cancer Care Unit on the island. These nurses are at the other end of a phone whenever I've needed questions answered, they provide support throughout treatment and surgery, and so much more! If you'd like to contribute to donations, they are always gratefully received, pop into WightFIT and put your name down to either contribute to the running or maybe donate a few pennies! Today I've been to Southampton, and yes Nandos was finally consumed after a much awaited craving! Headed over for another wig fitting, this was a much better experience and now I've just got to wait for Daisy (the wig chosen!) to arrive! Headed back to Princess Anne Hospital, for check up with Austin Powers and the team. All good until the next surgery! It's been suggested this week by someone who shall remain nameless, that I've made my journey public because I like attention... not quite sure how that idea even comes about, especially about someone who hates the attention! However, just to clarify why I decided to make this public; I want as many of my friends and colleagues to be aware of their body, check their bits and get themselves checked out asap!! That's all.... awareness! And if that makes me an attention seeker, so bloody be it as far as I'm concerned! I've also received an incredible amount of support from all over the place. And this week I received an incredible message from an old friend, who is going through his own troubles in life. It was along the lines that reading this blog has given him some strength and the push to work his own troubles out.... If that's the only thing this whole blog thing will do.... then I'm happy to have helped! And if you think its for attention.... then bugger off this page and stop bloody reading it!! All in all it's been a much better week, I'm back to work, I've had Nando's, and I'm happy :) I may soon be hairless... but I'll still be me, and nothing can get rid of my smile! Roll on the wig arriving in time for Christmas, and if all else fails I am now the proud owner of a Santa hat with pigtails!! xxx So the week started off with a visit from my lovely Sports Therapy buddies Tanya & Erin, who came down from Kent for a catch up and glass of Prosecco! We headed out for dinner and had a lovely time, was nice to catch up on all the hockey gossip. Even if they did give me a polishing cloth for my soon to be shiner, plus a mammoth supply of Muller Corners!! Feeling a bit crappy with a sore throat, dizziness, passing out etc, and knowing I'm on my 7-10 day lowest blood count, I headed in to St Mary's to make sure I hadn't got an infection. Couldn't have asked for better care! Straight into A & E in a private little area, away from germs, and attached straight up to another trusted friend called Drip! They ran an ECG to make sure my heart was working fine, I'm assuming all was ok as nothing more was said! So I spent all afternoon and evening having IV antibiotics and lots of blood taken to make sure Sepsis wasn't setting in. I had the pleasure of my doc being on his very first shift, very caring and attentive, but had no idea where anything was, comical! They wanted to keep me in overnight, but last night Id had enough of hospitals and just wanted to come home, so I was discharged at midnight, on the promise I would return if I became worse. This morning I woke about 4am absolutely fine, went downstairs, and went to sit on the sofa. A simple task I hear you think. No matter how I sat, lay or anything I couldn't sit without excruciating pulsating pain going through my spine. I tried everything from sitting, crouching, lying down, nothing would ease the pain, so I ended up just standing around! It was a strange pain, moving and bending my back it didn't hurt, but sitting it was excruciating. Next came the fun journey to the hospital. Half hour of having to sit down is a harder task than I thought. Straight into majors at A & E again, and I could barely stand by time got there, the pain was worsening and like nothing Id ever had before. Along comes a nurse to get the canula in my arm, an even harder more painful task than I could handle. I couldn't sit down without being in pain, but they weren't allowed to do it with me standing up incase I passed out. There were tears, I just couldn't take it. Never known two minutes to go so slowly!! But it was in, and soon followed was lots of morphine! The best drug in the world right now!! It kicked the pain into touch, finally. Although it gave me a very drunk/light headed feeling for the rest of the day, I wasn't in pain, and I could finally sit down!! It has been a very long day at St Mary's, docs couldn't understand at first what or why I was in pain. There was no infection, my scans a few weeks back showed there was no tumour or anything in my spine, and I hadn't hurt myself. So the mystery went on! One of the chemo nurses, Joanne, came down, and was the liaison between A & E consultant and my oncologist. It seemed like ages until they had come up with why! To start with they were going to scan me again, to see if the cancer had attacked my spine since my last scans, a massively scary idea. Then with further conversation with my oncologist over in Southampton, they had decided it was going to be too much radiation for another scan. Eventually the penny dropped with the docs, the second injection I had last week was to stimulate my bone marrow into re growth. And it'd be days 7-10 post chemo that the bone marrow would be at its re growth stage. So they came to the conclusion that because my pelvic girdle and lower spine is a very high bone marrow area, this is what has been causing me my pain! A lot less of a whack than thinking it was a new tumour that's for sure! So now it's just going to be a case of altering my dosage of the bone marrow injection next chemo session so the re growth is gradual and not a sudden change, and dosing myself up on morphine over the few days this pain will kick in! So a few hours later, after more IV antibiotics and lots of morphine, I have been allowed to return home, with my Oramorph, pain relief in a bottle!! And so far so good, I can sit down again!! It's the simple things! |
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February 2017
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