So the last two or three weeks have been a complete emotional rollercoaster to say the least!! And boom tomorrow is chemo day again :(
It started with the week after chemo with my ECG heart tests with Dr Maybe, as ive been having heart palpitations more and more lately. The outcome was i maybe have heart damage I maybe don't.... Jokes aside, the results get sent on to another cardiologist now and I await to hear the next step. It's not the best news in the world to find you may have heart damage as well, after only a few months ago being a fit person! I ended up staying in hospital after the test with fluid having appeared on my chest and the start of pneumonia. More drips, needles and drug time! Cannot praise the docs and nurses enough, they had swine flu and a d&v bug going around so they certainly didn't want a neutropenic patient there too, so I was kept well away from everyone, first off waiting in an empty room then the relatives room then a cubicle round the corner from everyone! No better way to feel even more special eh. After the mother and grandmother also going down with chest infections at the same time we certainly were a germy household! And then two days later came Finals Night!! A night I'll truly never forget! After believing I could never win such an award and I was there for the food, a standing ovation later, a garbled speech about doughnuts later, and I was awarded Entrepreneur of the Year award!! Truly 100% gobsmacked to say the least!! And proud to say I did it in a headscarf with my chemo scars on show and I still felt a million dollars (thanks to my lovely friend who did my makeup!). It took a heck of a lot to go to that evening let alone go up on stage in front of everyone and I cannot thank her enough for making me feel as normal as could for one night. People don't realise how utter shit you feel on chemo.... Im bald, eyebrow less, eyelash less, fester looking, rock hard black stomach from the injections, bruised and junkie looking arms, constant sickness, added weight, completely no energy what so ever, spontaneous nosebleeds, dizziness, migraines, the shakes, the hot sweats, let alone the constant fatigue, excruciating bone pain, wanting to find a bridge and a heavy rock on a daily basis, and the fear of facing death in its eyes day in day out.... So when 'friends' crack inappropriate insensitive jokes, it just makes life even harder at the minute. And yet I haven't moaned the majority of this shit, it's tough, bloody tough. So after a fabulous night at the Yacht haven with some awesome friends who've stuck by me through everything, it was onto my better week (finally!) and I headed back into work woohoo! And then Saturday night, and a planned night out once in a blue moon! And ive never felt so isolated in my life! It's weird the reactions you get, im used to the sympathetic looks and im used to kids staring, however im not used to people moving seats/moving away/not knowing what to say so sit in an awkward silence.... It's as if im contagious!! And reality hit, sat in a pub, just wanting to go home and ball my eyes out. It's a strange feeling completely. And one that im not used to feeling quite so vulnerable. Im meant to be strong! Had a little pep talk by a few great friends and I'll get there. Managed to finally do a fitness class in my own gym for the first time in 9 months! It killed me to say the least, chuffed as nuts I completed and did it however reality hit for the second time in a week, and it suddenly made me realise how much ive lost and how ive got to go to get anywhere near back to normality. However I will. Stupidity hit, and ive another 10 km and an obstacle race coming up to try and keep me sane and away from the vulnerable feelings. Chemo day tomoro, as much as Id like to get excited it's my last one, I just cant at the minute. Ive got a massive road ahead of me and emotional, physically and mentally im done atm, and as I say vulnerability/reality has really sunk in lately and dawned on me what the future does/could have in store. As much as im still going to smile, be strong and kick this shit away, normality is a very very faint glimmer a long long long way away across a field with stacks upon stacks of obstacles in the pathway. Never ending. I just wish people would learn there's more to life than pointless dramas and pettiness. Life. Laugh. Love. ️ P.S im not contagious..... Im just a bald version of me :) Xxx
1 Comment
5/26/2016 01:55:57 am
This is a story of sickness and the strong will to survive that could actually be several individual narratives. There are many facets involved in being a caregiver for someone who has cancer.
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